The Squiggletown Massacre? The Cult of Kid's TV

“But we don’t know what that is!” exclaimed the bewildered six year olds. “WHO THAT IS! WHO THAT IS!” manically screamed my twenty-three year old sister, before locking the children into the car and pushing it in the river.

Yes, that account of my sister Natalie’s babysitting is ever so slightly fictionalised. But could you blame her if she did dispose of those ignorant tots? My sister’s fictional act could be entirely justified if the court were to be told that the kids she was looking after had never heard of Mr Squiggle. Squiggle is pretty hard to miss, what with the giant pencil attached to his face. But the group of six-and-under siblings were perplexed when the mighty night-capped one was mentioned. Natalie thought they might enjoy a game of Mr Squiggle – the amateur, simple little exercise where one person draws random shapes and lines on paper and the other person attempts to make a picture from the scribbling. The kids had grown up on Dora and Bob and obviously, to them, Squiggle was nothing more than a high-camp, low-budget TV puppet belonging to a century in which they’d never lived.

I loved Squiggle. I loved Miss Pat. I loved Blackboard – his catchphrase, “Huuuuu-rry up!” became my own childhood catchphrase, whenever mum was taking too long with dinner or dad was selfishly trying to talk to people in the supermarket. Blackboard was at least consistent in his emotions – he was eternally pissed off. Blackboard was like a Vietnam veteran, bitter, impatient and just waiting to die. Squiggle, on the other hand, was like some free-loading hippy. He had blue hair, pointy shoes and a giant, flamboyant red bow. It was a real slap in the face for Blackboard. Like all good marionettes from the sixties and seventies, Squiggle was almost always on some kind of substance. He was easily distracted, took his sweet time constructing his art (UPSIDE DOWN! UPSIDE DOWN!) and would often go on vertical “space walks” (which is the modern stoners equivalent to riding their JD scooter to 7/11).

Whilst searching the uni library for a lost text today, I stumbled upon the book “The Encyclopaedia of Cult Children’s TV” by UK journalist, Richard Lewis. This excellent book unfortunately omits many of the great Australian children’s shows we all remember and love.

With apologies to Joanna Cooney who wrote a brilliant article covering similar territory for News Unlimited – here is a few cult classics that deserve another moment in the limelight.

The Wayne Manifesto (1996)

It starred Bronson from Round the Twist. It was filmed in Brisbane. My former housemate’s claim to fame was that he knew the kid who played Squocka. I have three memories of my childhood, one of which is watching this show whilst making a casserole. It must have been brilliant or I must have had a terribly dull childhood.

A*mazing (1993-1998)

Another show filmed in Brisbane (and then, for some reason, Perth). For it’s entire five year run, the show was hosted by James Sherry – who still hangs about Channel Seven, doing cricket commentary, the lotto results and possibly puts the bins out on a tuesday. The children's game show pitted primary schools against each other – scores would be totalled up at the end of each week, with the winning school receiving a……. *gasp* computer. A single computer to be shared between hundreds of kids. Keep your millions, Mr McGuire! In those days, all anyone wanted was a modem with Windows95.

The first round of the program involved answering trivia questions, with contestants stamping their answers on a giant keyboard.

In the second round, contestants raced around an in-studio maze collecting letters in order to spell a word. The maze included sets of gift shops, alleyways, bathrooms, gardens and treasure troves. I like the image of kids running around a maze, retrieving keys from within toilets and stealing giant letters from faux-shop cabinets. Truly E*xceptional.

The third round was ten-year-olds playing Super Nintendo. Seriously. Diddy Kong Racing, San Francisco Rush, Wave Race 64….all broadcast on big screens, before an audience. That was entertainment in the nineties, people.

Here is a tidbit about the show I found on wikipedia, which I really hope is true: “Controversially, if contestants chose the left route in the maze they had to step into a 'smoke filled pit'. At the base of this pit were a large number of ping-pong balls. These balls made the contestants fall back onto their spine on a hard edge. The balls were removed after the first two episodes”

Ocean Girl (1994-1998)

I don’t know how to write about this show without sounding like a pedophile. I’m sorry, but when I was eight, I thought Neri, the lead character to which the title refers, was incredibly, incomprehensibly hot. NO, NO, NO. It isn’t perverted, because she was older than me when I use to watch it. My pre-pubescent yearnings for Neri were completely natural and innocent. She was played by polish actress, Marzena Godecki, who was a very legal sixteen at the time of filming. All I remember is that the beautiful Marzena spent a helluva lotta time in very little clothing, emerging from various forms of water.
Ocean Girl was known as Ocean Odyssey overseas. The science fiction series was set in the future and revolved around Neri, a lonely ocean girl with super-human capabilities and, furthermore, the work of ORCA – an environmental, underwater research station. It was all aliens and evil environmental companies and, in truth, I didn’t really understand it. This show starred Bronson from Round The Twist too. Weird. But hey….how hot is Neri?

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Rock Out With Your Wok Out

Sizzled. Seared. Pan-fried. Glazed. Braised. Buttered. Coated. Marinated. Roasted. Crumbed. Blended. Iced. Poached. Drizzled. Sifted. Battered. Bruised. Whipped. Chained. Leathered-up ….wait, how did that turn into S&M?

Well, perhaps Sadomasochism is a good metaphor for the ratings juggernaut that has been Channel Ten’s Masterchef Australia. It all started off quite innocent. Giddy, amateur chefs serving up sweet treats were suitably praised by the judges. The contestants were given master classes, went on field trips and all got along pretty well. But now the competition is at an end, they find themselves frequently locked within the pressure cooker that is the Masterchef Kitchen. Julie sweats as she seductively bends over her bench, labouring on phallic foods (don’t even get me started on that sausage challenge!). Poh shucks oysters like a pro in the corner and Justine uses her ponytail as a tassle, caressing and slapping judges Gary and George into excitable submission. Oh, and let’s be honest, Chris looks like he frequents his local leather emporium and I’m pretty sure the mountainous Matt Preston uses those extravagant cravats of his as part of some auto-erotic asphyxiation gear.

Apologies if that last paragraph ironically put you off your food. I was grasping at straws to get that S&M metaphor to work. I felt it did! And then some!

Despite my numerous attempts to persuade the masses that this family-friendly program is bursting with sexual perversion, Masterchef is so much more than just a string of dirty puns. It is an absolute reality TV phenomenon and I fucking love it. So does the rest of the nation, apparently. Allow me to get a bit philosophical and misty for a moment, will you? Because I think Masterchef bridges gaps between us all. It is loved by obnoxious kids and self-absorbed teens and depressed adults and bitter pensioners. It has been embraced by men and women, gay and straight, black and white. It has the ability to bring people from all walks of life together. Food is the common thread that binds us, keeps us alive and that is quite beautiful.

Wow. Emotional. Where was I? That’s right…Chris looks like an over-fed homeless Freddy Krueger. Now we’re back on familiar territory. Don’t we all just loathe Chris? He is Masterchef’s resident villain…albeit, a beer-swilling, elephant man-like villain. I have a theory that his hat is shifting further down his face each episode and by the finale, it will have turned into Darth Vader’s mask from Star Wars - which makes sense, because every time I see him walk onto screen I play the “death march” in my head.

Chris is such a massive, arrogant douche that the phrase “ChrisisaDouche” rightly became a number three trending topic on social networking site, Twitter. If he wins, I will hack off my own head and serve it on Tupperware as a grisly tribute to his own vile, pig-head victory earlier in the season.

Rather predictably, I hope Julie wins. She may not be the most technically brilliant chef, but what she lacks in talent, she makes up for in heart and humility. Plus, she has a moustache. Not a huge, Tom Selleck moustache (although that would be pretty cool). She just has a slightly hairy upper lip, like many women her age. Some women must be itching to wax it right off, but I believe it adds her to her mumsy, imperfect charm. Julie does get awfully nervous, though. It is a miracle she didn’t have a heart attack during one of those pressure test challenges. However, if she did, Channel Ten would have surely advertised it as the “major cardiac event of the year”. She may or may not have been voted off by the time you read this blog. *sigh*

Awkward, bumbling Julie has been a real asset to the show. If it were a sitcom, she would be a series regular. The judges, Poh, Andre and Stank Hat would be in there too. All the rest were merely players on the Masterchef stage. Trev, who served up bait instead of the fish the bait was intended to hook, was an interesting contestant…but alas, he didn’t last. The Pageant Queen with the blonde hair who’d cleary been born with a plum in her mouth and raised on silver spoons was one of the first to be eliminated. Good. She was not quite as likable as herpes, but luckily for us, easier to get rid of. Geni, the greek mama from my own Brisbane, was a contestant I was sad to see go. Not only did she whip up some homey, comfort food that really appealed, she had such an interesting voice…it really cannot be explained. It was a typical Greek/Australian hybrid…but with some kind of twang that made her sound…well…slow. I have added my successful Geni impression to my arsenal of celebrity impressions. She sits happily alongside the likes of Dr Phil and George, the short arse judge on Masterchef. In George’s own word (he only has one) – “BEEEEEYOOOOOOOOOTEEEEEEFUULLLLL”


Still, one of the things I enjoy most about all reality TV competitions is the way a largely ill-informed audience suddenly become armchair experts. My mum is prone to critiquing plies when watching So You Think You Can Dance? despite never having a ballet lesson in her life. My tone deaf sister questions an attempted falsetto solo on Australian Idol. Even I am guilty of this hypocritical practice. I pretend I know something about food whilst watching Masterchef. Firstly – I have no right to call someone’s steak “pedestrian”, when I haven’t touched red meat in nearly a decade. Secondly – I barely scraped through Year 8 home economics. To this day, I still don’t understand why my teacher wasn’t fond of that bleeding chicken breast I plated up. That’s totally the way they cook it in…urgh…Belgium. Finally – I don’t dine out nearly enough to call myself a “food critic”. I am a very fussy eater and regularly consume about three dishes – noodles, savoury shapes and spinach and ricotta ravioli. Perhaps those three dishes explain why I am a picture of perfect health *coughs blood*.
But hey…it is fun to push your opinion, even if your opinion is formed from nothing. That is what the Australian Liberal Party has been doing for years.

The final episode of Masterchef Australia is in sight. How I will miss it when it is gone. It has certainly been the saviour the ailing Channel Ten needed…a real recession buster. It is being replaced by The 7pm Project which benefits from Charlie Pickering and Ruby Rose, but suffers due to its lack of chocolate fondants.

We all must learn to let go. It could never last forever and soon we will recover from the Masterchef hangover and return to normality: vegemite sandwiches for dinner, a world without cravats…oh, and we can finally get Katy Perry’s “Hot & Cold” out of our heads.

I guess there is a silver lining to the end of that very tasty dish.

MasterChef Australia: Finale
When: 7:30pm, Sunday the 19th of July, 2009.
Where: Channel Ten
How: Serving up your favourite dish from the show for family & friends. I trust everyone has bone marrow in the freezer?

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Off With Our Heads!

In the wake of recent scandals, I had a lot of questions regarding the future of our national broadcaster. Inspired by their own program, Q&A, I pitched a few Q’s to the ABC website…but got a significant lack of A’s.

Who does one turn to when their own national broadcaster fails to provide proper insight about their content and behind-the-scenes practice? Who uses the word “one” in reference to themselves post-1880? Whose own burgeoning madness and overwhelming arrogance would allow them to pitch questions to themselves and furthermore, answer their own questions with pomp and pretension?

Oh wait…sounds an awful lot like me…and a blog-post that has been a long time coming.

Q: Whose ABC is it?

A: It’s your ABC. ‘says so on the ads.

Q: But whose ABC is it really?

A: Hmm…good question and well asked. If you look at the content currently on ABC1, you can develop a profile of their perfect viewer.

Name: Ronald Newlandfounder
Age: 52
Occupation: Accountant
Loves: Murder mysteries set in idealistic English countryside settings, gardening in idealistic English countryside settings, England…the country.
Loathes: Talent

Alright. Well that might sound a little unfair. It almost makes ABC1 sound like it has an obsession with the mother country. Pfft…not with diverse international programs such as New Tricks, The Bill, Foyles War, Marple, Spooks, Grand Designs, Dalziel and Pascoe, Monarch of the Glen, Darling Buds of May, Silent Witness, Time Team, Moving Wallpaper and Poirot?

So maybe the ABC is the place where old British pap goes to die. But at least the moaning brits here in Oz should be happy…if that emotion were even possible for them…

Q: Racist much?

A: How dare you! Some of my best friends are British. Like………………….shouldn’t you be asking more questions?

Q: Yep. Here’s a tough one. Did the ABC act appropriately in response to “moral outrage” following the Chaser’s “Make A Realistic Wish” skit?

A: Personally, I didn’t think the skit was hilarious. The Chaser have done much better work. Their satire has been much sharper and less sloppy. But that’s not to say the skit was offensive. I think people who found the skit offensive should join the “we-missed-the-point-brigade” who call into Seven’s Sunrise and endless radio talkback shows, ranting about a joke they simply didn’t get. The skit, now widely thought to “poke fun at dying children” in actual fact satirised children’s charities (in this case, a charity which may do some good, but whose name implies it makes wishes come true). The way I saw it, the skit made fun of people who pretend to care for sick kids…so long as what the kids ask for isn’t too difficult to set-up or acquire.
Still, a lot of people, unfortunately, didn’t understand. Nor should they be expected to. So little black comedy has been broadcast here on free-to-air television and people aren’t accustomed to it. How can a nation that has so fully embraced the sex puns and straight laughs of Two and a Half Men be expected to turn their brains on (for once) and think about why something is funny? Australia clearly needs a note at the end of each comedy pointing out the jokes and academically analysing them so drunken drongos and religious fanatics don’t run off and riot all the TV stations.

Q: Got that off your chest, now? I hate to sound like Tony Jones here, but you haven’t answered the question that I asked.

A: Sorry Mr Jones. My mistake. Considering my last rant, I’d have to say the ABC acted recklessly and irrationally following the chaser scandal. Certainly, they needed to make a statement responding to the criticisms of the skit. Perhaps they should have stood by the Chaser team and explained it did not make fun of sick children at all. They could have done the old “we’re sorry you feel that way” apology and moved on with the promise to produce things which are bigger, brighter and, yes, funnier.
Instead, they pulled The Chasers War on Everything off the air for three weeks and demoted Amanda Duthie, ABC’s Head of Comedy.

Q: Why Peter – that doesn’t seem like a fair and measured response at all!

A: You’re quite right, Peter. It wasn’t! Firstly, I didn’t really understand what ABC Management thought they would achieve by pulling the Chaser from TV for three weeks. That whole suspension thing seems suspiciously “high school” for a television network. Did management call the Chaser’s parents as well? Did they get banned from the athletics carnival and the end-of-semester dance?
Also, punishing Duthie by demoting her was like stripping the school vice captain of their title. Duthie didn’t deserve to get her head chopped off merely to appease the public’s phoney moral outrage. She became a very real casualty in a very petty, misunderstood media nightmare. The way the whole Chaser affair was reported made me ashamed to be a young journalist.
The point is, the ABC should be kissing Duthie’s arse rather than kicking it. After all, under Duthie’s reign as Head Of Comedy, some of the greatest Australian comedic talents have flourished. Not just the Chaser, but Chris Lilley and Lawrence Leung too. Duthie oversaw The Hollowmen and The Librarians. Duthie ensured that, under her watchful eye, the ABC would always be home to the best Australian comedy on TV. Duthie’s demotion indicates that the ABC is no longer willing to produce edgy, brilliant comic material. The ABC already produces second-rate local drama. Now all the good comedy will be screened elsewhere too. The final string in the broadcaster’s bow has well and truly been plucked.

Q: Did you say “plucked”?

A: Yes, “plucked”.

Q: *ahem* So…what final conclusions can we draw about the future of Aunty?

The ABC is a shadow of it’s former self. Like a moody teen locked in their bedroom, the ABC is quite self-destructive. For some reason, the ABC acts like they want to fail. SBS have well and truly taken over from them in terms of quality broadcasting. Even with the delightful, intelligent Courtney Gibson leading Content Creation (and now, replacing Duthie as Head of Comedy), the ABC is still making the steady (English-countryside-filled) march to its deathbed.

Note: The ABC remains the #1 place for news though and I’d be willing to forget all of the above criticisms for a minimum-wage job. Please?

Q: Hypocrite.

A: Ah…fuck you.

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Peaks & Troughs: Wednesday the 10th of June

Peaks

The Chaser’s War on Everything, 9:00pm, ABC

Oooh…..CONTROVERSIAL! MADNESS! FILTH! Ah, bugger it. Despite the recent scandal and the fork-wielding villagers that now constantly surround them, the Chaser boys are still relevant and still necessary in the current political landscape. Whether or not you approve of their antics, the Chaser is still the closest thing in this country we have to boundary-pushing satire and we should be praising them for their boldness rather than gunning for their blood when they occasionally slip up or make a joke that not everyone understands. If we are to censor the Chaser into oblivion, then we must also sensor…oh, I dunno…the entire NRL & AFL Footy Shows. Or perhaps the entire NRL code. Or David Koch’s face.

Troughs

Moving Wallpaper, 9:30pm, ABC

It should have been so much better than this. The idea is decent – a comedy about a group of people putting together a soap opera. It should have been easy to write and should have been easy to watch. It isn’t. Seeing the talented Ben Miller (who Aussies would know from his sketch comedy and the original Worst Week of my Life) struggle with inferior material is akin to seeing Anthony Hopkins take on the role of Harold in Neighbours (which I am pretty sure is going to happen). I’ve always felt that while a drama can sometimes get away with not being terribly convincing, a comedy can never get away with not being funny. Moving Wallpaper had so much potential, but is too reliant on stereotypes, puns & clichés to break new ground or even provoke the winciest giggle.

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Peaks & Troughs: Tuesday the 9th of June

Peaks

Jennifer Byrne Presents Cads and Bounders, 10:00pm, ABC

Jennifer Byrne is STILL married to Andrew Denton, but I only assume that is because we haven’t met yet. Me and Byrne that is – not me and Denton. Although, that’s not to say Andrew and I wouldn’t make a hot couple…I think I would just get sick of him trying to make me cry and talk about my childhood all the damn time. It would almost feel like a real relationship *boom tish*. This TV special is an offshoot from the First Tuesday Book Club program. Watching First Tuesday always makes me feel…well…dumb. But I watch it anyway, because I do love a thorough…uh…book talk. This special discusses the “bad boys” (and, I assume, bad girls) of literature. This topic makes me feel confident there will be no discussion of my arch enemy, helpless word-slinger Bryce Courtenay. Take it, Courtenay. You just got owned.

Troughs

Fun with Dick & Jane, 9:30pm, Channel Nine

I think “Fun with Dick and Jane” is a slightly misleading title. Maybe “One and a half hours with Dick and Jane” would be more accurate. Although it does feel a lot longer than that. I went to see it at the cinema when it was first released. God knows why. I guess the only other option was a Rob Schneider double feature. In the 2005 remake, an unemployed Jim Carrey takes up a life of crime with his wife (Tea Leoni). Maybe worth watching for the occasional appearance by a Baldwin (hint: It’s not Daniel! *phew*)

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Peaks & Troughs: Monday the 8th of June

Peaks

Flight of the Conchords – 9:00pm, SBS

“Alroight – band meeting. Jermaine? *here* Bret? *here* Murray? Yep, I’m here. I don’t know why I bother calling out my name. I’m always here”. And with that, I fell in love with FOTC. Actually, I first saw them some years ago, performing on a show called Stand Up Australia, hosted by Brisbane’s own Meshel Laurie. The talented twosome managed to breathe life into a terribly old act – the singing comedy duo. Perhaps they worked so well because they never broke character and the roles which the boys assume are so real, awkward and lovable. Tonight sees the debut of the second season of their TV series and I hope they are not hit by the dreaded “second series” syndrome that has seen so many comedians fail over the years. Though they have been hugely successful, Bret & Jermaine are hardly poster pinups, idolised in the same sense as Orlando Bloom or Zac Efron….yet. There is a very good chance that they will sustain their creativity and wit throughout season two of the sitcom. Oh Yeah. It’s Business Time

Oh, and this little gem from Season Two was included in Andrew Pettie’s review in The Weekend Australian:

Bret: My Father was a women’s rights activist.

Jermaine: Not your mum?

Bret: No, Dad wouldn’t allow that. No way

Troughs

Recruits – 8:00pm, Channel Ten

If you don’t want to catch Swine Flu, don’t watch. BAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM A DELIGHT. I’m pretty sure I’m the first person to make the connection between police officers and swine flu. No? Well I am surprised. But seriously, don’t watch this show. Not because it is poorly made or even boring – it just doesn’t inspire much confidence in the next generation of our police force. I also question why people actually want to become police officers nowadays. When I heard someone the other night say they always liked to be an authoritative figure, I thought “Have you ever considered becoming a leather masked bondage master?” But then again, if that option was really available to everyone, who would give us tickets for jaywalking and arrest our Channel Nine personalities for indecent exposure?

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Peaks and Troughs: Friday the 5th of June

Peaks

The River Wild – 8:30pm, Channel Seven
An American thriller set on – you guessed it – a wild river. Two seemingly nice guys (Kevin Bacon & John C Reilly) take a family hostage amongst wild rafting rapids. Gail (Meryl Streep), Tom (David Strathairn) and their son Roarke (Joseph Mazello) attempt to escape their criminal captors against the harshest of conditions. If Michael Haneke set Funny Games at Wet & Wild Water World, it would look something like The River Wild. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Troughs

Hot Seat – 5:00pm, Channel Nine
After waiting weeks to finally see this Who Wants to be a Millionaire spin-off, it’s fair to say I was more than disappointed when I finally caught the show. Eddie McGuire is back where he belongs – asking multiple choice questions amongst dim, blue lighting. Still, the show lacks the brains and intensity of Millionaire. The questions aren’t even worthy of It’s Academic. Plus, Eddie is a bit pushy when asking the contestants to “lock it in” – a phrase which I always thought would make a nice euphemism.

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