The Squiggletown Massacre? The Cult of Kid's TV

“But we don’t know what that is!” exclaimed the bewildered six year olds. “WHO THAT IS! WHO THAT IS!” manically screamed my twenty-three year old sister, before locking the children into the car and pushing it in the river.

Yes, that account of my sister Natalie’s babysitting is ever so slightly fictionalised. But could you blame her if she did dispose of those ignorant tots? My sister’s fictional act could be entirely justified if the court were to be told that the kids she was looking after had never heard of Mr Squiggle. Squiggle is pretty hard to miss, what with the giant pencil attached to his face. But the group of six-and-under siblings were perplexed when the mighty night-capped one was mentioned. Natalie thought they might enjoy a game of Mr Squiggle – the amateur, simple little exercise where one person draws random shapes and lines on paper and the other person attempts to make a picture from the scribbling. The kids had grown up on Dora and Bob and obviously, to them, Squiggle was nothing more than a high-camp, low-budget TV puppet belonging to a century in which they’d never lived.

I loved Squiggle. I loved Miss Pat. I loved Blackboard – his catchphrase, “Huuuuu-rry up!” became my own childhood catchphrase, whenever mum was taking too long with dinner or dad was selfishly trying to talk to people in the supermarket. Blackboard was at least consistent in his emotions – he was eternally pissed off. Blackboard was like a Vietnam veteran, bitter, impatient and just waiting to die. Squiggle, on the other hand, was like some free-loading hippy. He had blue hair, pointy shoes and a giant, flamboyant red bow. It was a real slap in the face for Blackboard. Like all good marionettes from the sixties and seventies, Squiggle was almost always on some kind of substance. He was easily distracted, took his sweet time constructing his art (UPSIDE DOWN! UPSIDE DOWN!) and would often go on vertical “space walks” (which is the modern stoners equivalent to riding their JD scooter to 7/11).

Whilst searching the uni library for a lost text today, I stumbled upon the book “The Encyclopaedia of Cult Children’s TV” by UK journalist, Richard Lewis. This excellent book unfortunately omits many of the great Australian children’s shows we all remember and love.

With apologies to Joanna Cooney who wrote a brilliant article covering similar territory for News Unlimited – here is a few cult classics that deserve another moment in the limelight.

The Wayne Manifesto (1996)

It starred Bronson from Round the Twist. It was filmed in Brisbane. My former housemate’s claim to fame was that he knew the kid who played Squocka. I have three memories of my childhood, one of which is watching this show whilst making a casserole. It must have been brilliant or I must have had a terribly dull childhood.

A*mazing (1993-1998)

Another show filmed in Brisbane (and then, for some reason, Perth). For it’s entire five year run, the show was hosted by James Sherry – who still hangs about Channel Seven, doing cricket commentary, the lotto results and possibly puts the bins out on a tuesday. The children's game show pitted primary schools against each other – scores would be totalled up at the end of each week, with the winning school receiving a……. *gasp* computer. A single computer to be shared between hundreds of kids. Keep your millions, Mr McGuire! In those days, all anyone wanted was a modem with Windows95.

The first round of the program involved answering trivia questions, with contestants stamping their answers on a giant keyboard.

In the second round, contestants raced around an in-studio maze collecting letters in order to spell a word. The maze included sets of gift shops, alleyways, bathrooms, gardens and treasure troves. I like the image of kids running around a maze, retrieving keys from within toilets and stealing giant letters from faux-shop cabinets. Truly E*xceptional.

The third round was ten-year-olds playing Super Nintendo. Seriously. Diddy Kong Racing, San Francisco Rush, Wave Race 64….all broadcast on big screens, before an audience. That was entertainment in the nineties, people.

Here is a tidbit about the show I found on wikipedia, which I really hope is true: “Controversially, if contestants chose the left route in the maze they had to step into a 'smoke filled pit'. At the base of this pit were a large number of ping-pong balls. These balls made the contestants fall back onto their spine on a hard edge. The balls were removed after the first two episodes”

Ocean Girl (1994-1998)

I don’t know how to write about this show without sounding like a pedophile. I’m sorry, but when I was eight, I thought Neri, the lead character to which the title refers, was incredibly, incomprehensibly hot. NO, NO, NO. It isn’t perverted, because she was older than me when I use to watch it. My pre-pubescent yearnings for Neri were completely natural and innocent. She was played by polish actress, Marzena Godecki, who was a very legal sixteen at the time of filming. All I remember is that the beautiful Marzena spent a helluva lotta time in very little clothing, emerging from various forms of water.
Ocean Girl was known as Ocean Odyssey overseas. The science fiction series was set in the future and revolved around Neri, a lonely ocean girl with super-human capabilities and, furthermore, the work of ORCA – an environmental, underwater research station. It was all aliens and evil environmental companies and, in truth, I didn’t really understand it. This show starred Bronson from Round The Twist too. Weird. But hey….how hot is Neri?